Category Archives: DOC

where are you going?

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This song as a whole has nothing to do with my life at the given moment, but the line “Where are you going, where do you go?” certainly resonates with me right now. Also I just saw a Dave Matthews show and was sad he didn’t play this.

So, where am I going? Wherever life takes me. I have a plan right now, but I know that even the best of plans go awry. I may end up hating the path I’m paving for myself. Or maybe I’ll love it. All I know is that I’m beginning to follow a dream, and that it’s bound to take me somewhere good.

In just over two weeks, I’ll begin taking two classes at a local community college. These are classes that will fulfill pre-requisite requirements to allow me to apply for nursing school.

That’s right. I’m headed to nursing school. And I’m scared shitless.

I have two degrees already, neither of which have anything to do with ‘the sciences’. I’m still working full time (at a job with very odd hours sometimes). I’m about to begin two very hard science courses that also include labs. I’m planning on quitting my very comfortable full time job if I should be lucky enough to be accepted into nursing school in about a year and a half. At that point, I’ll also be contributing a very large amount of student loan debt to my current student loan debt. Also, I still have diabetes to take care of (drat!).

I’m a mixture of excitement, fear, stress and hope. These are also all of the reasons I’ve been so absent from the DOC and this blog (and quite frankly, diabetes management altogether) for the past couple of months — and I probably will continue to be less ‘here’ until I get adjusted to a new, very busy schedule (minus the diabetes part, really need to get that reigned in). But, ah, it feels damn good to write again.

Diabetes Blog Week: What Brings Me Down

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I’m participating in Diabetes Blog Week this week.I’m hoping these prompts will re-inspire my writing and encourage lots of blood sugar checks 🙂

May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)

This is a hard topic to cover in a succinct or eloquent manner. I’m anticipating the fact that I’m about to let myself explore the many tough (emotional) aspects of diabetes — and I’m okay with that.. because that’s life and because I’ll balance it out tomorrow with positive. Work, appointments and my new addition of SCHOOL (more on that another day) called for this morning to begin at 4am. It’s a list kind of day.

Emotional Issues
-Judgment by those who don’t know better (or even those who do..).
-Guilt due to high blood sugar. Or low blood sugar. Or forgetting to put a new bottle of strips in your purse. Or change your pump set, or refill your glucose, or call in a script. You catch my drift.
-Not feeling 100% — fighting with yourself to push through they day and not let diabetes hold you back from doing something.
-Wondering why your sugar is high or low. Troubleshooting.
-The financial impact of diabetes.
-The impact that ALWAYS PLANNING has on your well being. I never stop thinking.
-Fear of the future and what complications it may (or may not!) hold. When is the future?
-Fighting with food. Being pissed that I *shouldn’t* eat that burger because my blood sugar is over 200 mg/dl. {“But I don’t like to let diabetes hold me back from doing things! But I also don’t like to feel like shit, and I want to prevent complications” (see, mind always racing).}
-The simple fact that this impacts my husband.
-The incurable-ness of this disease.
-Seizures in the middle of the night. The indescribable feeling of mortality that envelopes you when you finally realize what just happened and why you’re lying in a pool of apple juice and sweat. (I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever experienced a worse feeling than this.)

How I Cope?
-Exercise that I love. Yoga, especially.
-Eating well — and being excited about the things I eat that I know are good for me.
-A fabulous support system made up of my friends, my family, and my superhero husband.
-Escaping reality for a bit with a good book.
-Writing this blog. Reading your blog.
-Continuously learning.
-Reminding myself that I can do this. So can you.
-Calling my sister (also T1) for a diabetes bitchfest.

Are there other things that make this disease emotional? Hell yes. Do I cope in more ways than what I listed? Absolutely (and some of the ways may not be healthy, like pretending I don’t have diabetes for an hour, or longer).

The most important thing to remember? I’ve come this far, and I’ve got all of you behind me. I’m not just a diabetic, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without diabetes (for instance, maybe I wouldn’t be such a planner!).

bad decisions.

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It feels like every time I take an unintended hiatus from this blog, I come back eventually trying to get out of a burnout or bad spell. It is what it is, I guess – and I’ll be the first to admit that the Diabetes Online Community/other people’s blogs/this blog is how I pull myself out of a rut (no matter how deep) and set myself back on track.

I’ve been making bad decisions lately. Some of them very unconscious decisions (mistakes?). Some of them, like last night, thought out. I’m not going to hash out every lingering high, forgotten meter, or untested blood sugar I’ve had. We all have them. It’s life. Diabetes just hasn’t been on the forefront for me recently, and I’m finding it easy to talk myself out of doing the right thing.

I had high blood sugars yesterday — with a hunch they were due to bad insulin after a kayaking trip on Saturday (took me way too long to figure this out. I’m not being proactive enough). I felt like crap all day. When I found myself with a blood sugar of 300 right before dinner, I knew I should have either 1. waited, or 2. eaten a low carb meal. But, I was feeling (oddly) okay despite the morning’s high sugars, and I was feeling rather defeated my diabetes (and was with very special people at a very special place). I ignored what  I knew I should do, took a shit-ton (true measurement) of insulin figuring it would be more than enough, upped my basal, and ate a burger.

Burger was damn good, but not worth it.

I was hovering around 400 mg/dl all night. I changed my pump set (whoa! proactive!), but still spent almost 9 hours at extremely high levels. I’m absolutely exhausted today. My muscles ache and my head is throbbing. It’s what I get for eating something that I know makes me high when I’m already high.

Food seems to be the bane of my existence recently — my relationship with it is very frustrating.

My point? I don’t know. I need to reconnect. I need to re-establish my smart thinking. I need to get myself in order. I’m excited to have just signed up for the 5th Annual Diabetes Blog Week to get myself back into the swing of things. I appreciate all of you who resist the urge to judge me. I’m already beating myself up enough as it is. Welcome to the wonderful world of diabetes.

balancing act.

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I’m going to be honest here. I’m not intending to complain or make diabetes sound like the worst thing in the entire world. But the truth is, I’ve been struggling.

Bottom line: sometimes I feel like it’s hard to strike a balance between taking care of my diabetes and taking care of the rest of my life’s obligations.

There are times where I just can’t seem the find the time to test my blood sugar, pre-bolus, eat a decent meal, correct, keep an eye on my dexcom, try to avoid getting low, blog, keep up with other blogs, attend diabetes-related events AND work, exercise, spend time with my husband, keep up with my house, walk my dog, pay my bills, have a social life.. You get the picture — and that’s not even the half of it. I know that I’m not the busiest person on this planet, and sometimes I can handle my load with ease. But most of the time, I feel like the more I focus on diabetes, the less I pay attention to the ‘normal life things,’ and vice-versa. Sometimes when I’m really involved with taking care of my diabetes, I feel like I eat/breathe/sleep blood sugars and insulin. Then, when I take a step back and try to focus on real life, I start to pretend I don’t even have diabetes.

I called my sister (also t1) this morning to complain, so we’re doing some things to help us both out.

  • We just downloaded the MySugr app. I’m not too familiar with it yet, but I think it will help hold me accountable and keep me organized. I have friends that say amazing things about this app, so I’m excited.
  • My sister and I plan on checking in weekly or bi-weekly to talk about things – life in general or diabetes. Whatever is on our minds. We talk daily in one form or another regardless, but I think having MySugr to reflect on will keep us both motivated.
  • I’m making time for the DOC and real life d-friends. I’m not going to let it stress me out — but it’s like medicine for me. The more in tune I am with the DOC, the more in tune I am with my diabetes.

Does anyone else feel like this? Even if you don’t have diabetes! What do you do to maintain that balance?

world diabetes day 2013

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In celebration of World Diabetes Day:

  • My pump woke me up at 2am, screaming “I HAVE NO INSULIN LEFT IN ME.” I replied, “ME NEITHER,” and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but then I thought better of it and decided I didn’t want to be swimming in ketones come 6am.
  • I forgot to test my blood sugar until about 3 minutes ago! It was 78, so I win, but even with my CGM I try not to play that game. The more you know! (the better)

Happy Day to you all, here’s to hoping we can raise awareness in a few more people today.