bad decisions.

Standard

It feels like every time I take an unintended hiatus from this blog, I come back eventually trying to get out of a burnout or bad spell. It is what it is, I guess – and I’ll be the first to admit that the Diabetes Online Community/other people’s blogs/this blog is how I pull myself out of a rut (no matter how deep) and set myself back on track.

I’ve been making bad decisions lately. Some of them very unconscious decisions (mistakes?). Some of them, like last night, thought out. I’m not going to hash out every lingering high, forgotten meter, or untested blood sugar I’ve had. We all have them. It’s life. Diabetes just hasn’t been on the forefront for me recently, and I’m finding it easy to talk myself out of doing the right thing.

I had high blood sugars yesterday — with a hunch they were due to bad insulin after a kayaking trip on Saturday (took me way too long to figure this out. I’m not being proactive enough). I felt like crap all day. When I found myself with a blood sugar of 300 right before dinner, I knew I should have either 1. waited, or 2. eaten a low carb meal. But, I was feeling (oddly) okay despite the morning’s high sugars, and I was feeling rather defeated my diabetes (and was with very special people at a very special place). I ignored what  I knew I should do, took a shit-ton (true measurement) of insulin figuring it would be more than enough, upped my basal, and ate a burger.

Burger was damn good, but not worth it.

I was hovering around 400 mg/dl all night. I changed my pump set (whoa! proactive!), but still spent almost 9 hours at extremely high levels. I’m absolutely exhausted today. My muscles ache and my head is throbbing. It’s what I get for eating something that I know makes me high when I’m already high.

Food seems to be the bane of my existence recently — my relationship with it is very frustrating.

My point? I don’t know. I need to reconnect. I need to re-establish my smart thinking. I need to get myself in order. I’m excited to have just signed up for the 5th Annual Diabetes Blog Week to get myself back into the swing of things. I appreciate all of you who resist the urge to judge me. I’m already beating myself up enough as it is. Welcome to the wonderful world of diabetes.

Advertisements

7 responses »

  1. We are our own worst enemies aren’t we? It seems like we start down the wrong path with eating and monitoring, going at break neck speed to sabotage ourselves. Then we loathe ourselves for the lack of self control. Been battling it myself for 29 years and I aint dead yet. ha! Going to the doc on Friday and hoping my A1c has improved from the last 8.2…. I had a bad winter. This week was good. Went off the pump to go fishing with my husband and came back under 100 before dinner. Amen!I can only take each day as it comes knowing that behind every corner lurks a milkshake and fries. It’s nice to know that someone else knows exactly what I am talking about.

    • Needed to hear that! You had me chuckling @ the burger and fries lurking behind every corner. I’m imagining them with masks and holsters with guns… 🙂

  2. Carlyn~
    I have so been there, and I’m sorry you are feeling the after affects today. I try very hard to keep diabetes in the background of my life, and I resent it most when it forces its way into the forefront. Inevitably, that makes me feel rebellious, like, “Oh no, diabetes; you are NOT going to ruin this day for me.” Enter burger and fries. Or milkshake. Be gentle with yourself. We get no real breaks with this disease, so sometimes a lapse in perfect control is the only break we have.

    I missed seeing you at the DS conference this year.

    ~Jenny

    • Rebellious is EXACTLY how I felt. Like I could actually look diabetes in the eye, say “shove it,” and take a big juicy bite of burger. Only thing that sucks is that diabetes doesn’t back down!!

      Thank you for your sweet words, as always. I missed seeing you guys too!! Seeing everyone’s pictures made me SO SAD! Hope it was amazing, though.

  3. The beauty in you lies in the courage to be forth right…all your strengths, when you need them are there. I think journaling and in this case blogging , reminds us of what we are saying to ourselves and in the diabetes world, saying to other diabetics. A very important (support) group, kinda like family… you want to hear from those that understand and have the love that keeps our energy high ( not in a blood sugar way).
    Look forward to these informative blogs, it helps me see through your eyes, so I can help Buck with his diabetes(2) and my understanding of the daily concerns.
    Thank you and SWEET BLESSINGS!!
    Love
    Sus

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s